http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php Copyright 2008, Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com en-US SPHPBLOG 0.4.8 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080523-204825
The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. It runs away with him in her mouth.

The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"

The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."
]]> Dog http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080523-204825 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sat, 24 May 2008 01:48:25 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080523-204825 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080511-184047
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.

The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.

As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.

The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."]]> Chicken http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080511-184047 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sun, 11 May 2008 23:40:47 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080511-184047 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080504-215545
“That’s an elephant”, the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, “Mommy? What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

The mother replied, “That’s his trunk, sweetheart.”

“No, no”, said the child, “Behind that!”

“Oh, that’s his tail”, she said.

“No, no!” the boy exclaimed. “That thing in the middle!”

The woman was flustered and replied, “Uhhhh, that’s nothing, honey!” And they moved on…..

The next weekend, the boy’s father came to pick him up and the child cried, “Daddy, let’s go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!”

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, “Elephant!”

“Very GOOD”, beamed the father. “I’m proud of you for remembering all these animals!”

The boy asked, “Daddy? What’s that thing hanging down on the elephant?”

The father replied, “That’s his trunk.”

“No!”, the boy moaned, “Behind that!”

“That’s his tail”, the father replied.

“No, no! That thing in the middle!”

The father stammered, “Er…what did your mother say it was?”

“She said it was nothing!”

“Well”, the man said, puffing out his chest. “Your mother’s spoiled!”]]> Elephant http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080504-215545 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Mon, 05 May 2008 02:55:45 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080504-215545 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-204305 Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."]]> Goat http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-204305 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:43:05 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080424-204305 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-195237
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"]]> Bird http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-195237 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:52:37 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080404-195237 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-002328
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.]]> Cat http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-002328 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:23:28 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080320-002328 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-002043
"What did you do?"

"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."

"How did you get away?"

"I left him and went on to another cage."
]]> Lion http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-002043 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:20:43 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080320-002043 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080314-020235
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"

He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"]]> Insect http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080314-020235 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:02:35 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080314-020235 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080312-235842
The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede". "Great!" the man exclaims, "I'll take it!"

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: "Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the tavern for a beer?" The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, "Hey centipede,how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?" Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. Hmmmmm the guy thinks to himself, I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again.

Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. I'll just ask him one more time he tells himself. "Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?' The centipede looks up at the man and says, "Give me a break man, I heard you the first time! I'm still putting my shoes on."]]> Insect http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080312-235842 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 13 Mar 2008 04:58:42 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080312-235842 http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-210217
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"]]> Insect http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-210217 Resources For Attorneys aj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 07 Mar 2008 03:02:17 GMT http://animaljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080306-210217