1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

"I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."

"What did you do?"

"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."

"How did you get away?"

"I left him and went on to another cage."

There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"

He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. "Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet".

The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede". "Great!" the man exclaims, "I'll take it!"

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: "Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the tavern for a beer?" The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, "Hey centipede,how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?" Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. Hmmmmm the guy thinks to himself, I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again.

Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. I'll just ask him one more time he tells himself. "Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?' The centipede looks up at the man and says, "Give me a break man, I heard you the first time! I'm still putting my shoes on."