A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He knocks on the door and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt just sitting there.

"Can you talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

I had a few flings, a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed and he goes back to the front door and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Fifteen dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?

"The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of those things."

A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich."

The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. It runs away with him in her mouth.

The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"

The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.

Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough .

Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.

You put important papers in the latest issue of your breed magazine ... you know you will find them there.

You have dog hair stuck to the tape on wrapped gifts.

You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates.

You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it.