A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

A turkey was talking to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more manure, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Once upon a time there was a stork family, daddy stork, mommy stork and baby stork.

One evening daddy stork didn't show up for dinner. Mommy stork and baby stork waited up for him but he didn't come home at all that night.

When daddy stork finally came home the next day, baby stork asked, "Daddy stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied daddy stork.

Several weeks later, baby stork was late for dinner. Daddy stork and mommy stork were worried. Their worry increased when baby stork still wasn't home by dark. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt.

Daddy stork barked, "Where were you, baby stork?"

"Out scaring the heck out of some college students," replied baby stork.

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He knocks on the door and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt just sitting there.

"Can you talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

I had a few flings, a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed and he goes back to the front door and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Fifteen dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?

"The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of those things."