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2009
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May
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Two Horses
05/05/09
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up -
A turkey was talking to a bull
05/05/09
A turkey was talking to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with -
Where were you?
05/05/09
Once upon a time there was a stork family, daddy stork, mommy stork and baby stork.
One evening daddy stork didn't show up for dinner. Mommy stork and baby stork waited up for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When daddy stork finally came home the next d -
Talking Dog
05/05/09
A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He knocks on the door and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt just sitting there.
"Can you talk?" he asks.
"Y
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Two Horses
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May
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2008
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July
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Mule Raffle
07/16/08
On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.
On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
Fred: Well, then, just give me my m
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Mule Raffle
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May
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Talented Dog
05/23/08
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich."
The man brings -
Three Legged Chicken
05/11/08
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.
The man spe -
That's Nothing
05/04/08
A young boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas,
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Talented Dog
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April
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Speeding Goat
04/24/08
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, -
Christmas Parott
04/04/08
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agr
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Speeding Goat
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March
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Cats Are Similar To Teenagers
03/20/08
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outsi -
Meeting Up With A Lion
03/20/08
"I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. -
Esso Gas Station
03/14/08
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spi -
Talking Centipede
03/12/08
A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. "Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet".
The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, -
Two Roaches
03/06/08
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it& -
Odd Funeral
03/03/08
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Beh -
You Are A Dog Person If #3
03/02/08
Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.
Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough .
Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this -
You Are A Dog Person If #2
03/01/08
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You kee
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Cats Are Similar To Teenagers
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February
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You Are A Dog Person If #1
02/29/08
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed -
Seeing Eye Dogs
02/27/08
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got -
Barking Dog
02/26/08
Jonathan who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.
Jonathan thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
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Disapearing Cat
02/25/08
A lady in New York had a beautiful black cat, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.
One cool October evening, he disappeared. The lady searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, the cat reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he� -
Where do pets come from
02/24/08
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to rem -
The Winner
02/22/08
There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes wi -
This Parrot has Been Arround
02/20/08
This housewife got tired of being alone every day since her husband was at work and her three daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and explains her situation to the clerk and tells him that she wants a talking parrot.
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High Vet Bill
02/19/08
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
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Very Smart Dog
02/18/08
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"What's up with this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As h -
Attitude
02/17/08
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black make up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
With an attitude, the boy said, "W -
Ugly Lady
02/16/08
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she sees the same parrot and it says t -
Costly Parrot
02/15/08
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was hi -
More Dog One Liners
02/14/08
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
I've been on so many blind dates I should get -
Dog One Liners
02/13/08
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an -
The Plumber
02/12/08
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the p -
Flying
02/10/08
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the ho -
Very Smart Dog
02/08/08
A woman went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. Aft -
Don't Talk To The Parrot
02/07/08
Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I' -
Jesus Is Watching You
02/04/08
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a c -
The Atheist and the bear
02/01/08
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to loo -
Cross-eyed Rotweiler
02/01/08
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says &
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You Are A Dog Person If #1
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January
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Rabbit And The Snake
01/29/08
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur al -
Alligator Warning
01/27/08
The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisianna is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not sta -
Get Me A Coke
01/27/08
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
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Tough Rats
01/20/08
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" -
Chess Player
01/18/08
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart,&quo -
Bad Parrot
01/15/08
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns a -
Two Robins
01/13/08
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate -
Three Wishes
01/12/08
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it ha -
Football game
01/11/08
There was this football game the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant g -
Knows His Way To Town
01/09/08
There's a guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a man stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town.
The guy says, yeah. He hops in and the driver says, what about your camel?
The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town.
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Bear Hunting
01/08/08
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast -
Intelligence Factor
01/07/08
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking qui -
Fire Dog
01/06/08
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep cro -
Adopted Turtle
01/05/08
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again -
Driving With Penguins
01/04/08
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer se -
Real Life Animal Laws
01/02/08
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In Mc -
Talking Parrots
01/01/08
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wan -
The Psychic And The Frog
01/01/08
A frog telephones a Psychic and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in
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Rabbit And The Snake
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July
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2007
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December
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Racing Records
12/31/07
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 -
Gooney Bird
12/31/07
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored -
Carpet Installation
12/31/07
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'�
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Racing Records
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December
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